why?

This is a study in tension. A space to create and experience the pull of being human. To give the conflict somewhere to exist outside my own head.

Two things can be true. Both can matter. Both can be okay. I can know that and still feel pulled apart. I want to sit with them in superposition.

Creating helps me feel heard. It brings me into contact with what I am carrying, including the things I would rather edit out. I want to be honest enough to leave them in.

My imagination can make a possibility feel so real that I start living inside it. The feeling is real. The story might be wrong. Knowing that does not switch it off. Even watching myself do it becomes another thing to feel.

It delights me to be needed. Admitting that I need something can disgust me. I can keep making room for someone else until there is no room left for me. Then I have to ask for something I wish I did not need to ask for.

I want to be wanted. Saying it makes me feel exposed. I want an honest yes, and I want the other person free enough to say no. That freedom matters even when the answer hurts.

I can love someone, want their life to open, and ache at the possibility that it opens away from me. I can understand someone and still reach the end of what I can give. Compassion does not make me inexhaustible. There are choices I have to make while I am still torn.

I need to be seen and heard. Being recognised can make me want to hide. I feel both. This studio is anonymous. I can put the work here and leave my name out of it.

There is desire here. Humour. Beauty. The urge to make something ridiculous because it delights me. I want to feel that fully too, without having to turn it into a lesson or a reason I am better now.

I want more capacity to meet life. Some days I need shelter. I want to let that be true without despising myself for it. I want to stay with what hurts, and know when I have had enough.

What I remember shifts. What something means to me shifts. I can understand that a feeling will pass and still be caught in it. There is no view from outside my own life where knowing finally makes me untouchable.

Everything changes.
I know.
I still feel it.